Accepting Your Space: Understanding Fawning: The Hidden Impact of Our Formative Years

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Hello gorgeous and a warm welcome to Accepting.

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I'm Aline, your host.

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I'm a channel, I'm a mentor and a coach and a crazy cat lady for those of you seeing this

on video.

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For those of you who are listening, I currently have one of my gorgeous cats behind me and

the other one on my lap.

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She's refusing to move, so we're surrounded with gorgeous feline energy today.

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And very appropriately, we are talking about accepting your space today.

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Now we covered before about healthy acceptance.

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healthy boundaries.

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If you haven't listened or seen that video, please go back and absolutely dive into that

one.

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You can also absolutely carry on listening here.

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This is a follow on each of the episodes we're building and the way I like to work and the

way I work with my clients is before we can start making any beautiful changes, it's all

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about accepting.

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So yes, I'm the acceptance coach and the way I work with my clients, absolutely I am there

to nurture and guide.

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I am also there to tell you how it is and to really help you walk forward and move forward

into who you truly are born to be.

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Now, I call myself an interrupter with love.

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So when I'm in any sessions with clients and I feel it's really important to interrupt,

then I will because that's when we can start really digging in and diving in.

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So in terms of these episodes, what I'm doing with you is my intention is to get you to a

point where you can start embracing your gifts.

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So yes, I'm called the acceptance coach and then that's when we start.

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Once we have acceptance in place, then we stop comparison, we stop distraction, avoidance

and resistance.

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and then we start being who we were truly born to be and start actioning what we're here

to do.

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Now, as I've said before, I'm not saying it's easy.

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I'm just saying it's very very necessary if you would like to live the life you were born

and you want to really step into your power then we have to work on ourselves.

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We're all human we're here for a human experience and nobody is perfect.

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I've mentioned before I have a temper I've mentioned before

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that one of my, and here it goes again, that one of my F's that I have to work on is

distraction.

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Because that is how I worked from knee high to a grasshopper because I didn't understand

my sensitivities and I was trying to fit in.

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And what I would really like to talk about today is about fawning.

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Now there's the three F's.

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So the three Fs, if you haven't seen that episode, please go back and listen to the

episode all about the three Fs, which are fight, flight, and freeze, how they came up for

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us when we were surviving as a fittest is in the Stone Age.

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We still have those brains, how they show up now.

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Now I believe it was in 2013, a new F was added and it's fawning.

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Now I very much talk about fawning in different terms

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I talk about people pleasing somebody actually asked me to talk about fawning and how it

can show up and how we can work with it and then that very much lines with healthy

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boundaries and accepting your space okay

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So what we're going to dive in today is firstly we're going to talk about fawning, which

is the fourth F.

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We're then going to dive into a little bit more about the healthy boundaries and how you

can start creating that space.

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Then we're going to dive into what you do once you have that space.

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and then we're going to summarize and

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feel into what steps can you take.

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So there's gonna be a little bit of love work this week.

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I call it love work, not homework.

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Because any work we do on ourselves is love work.

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Okay.

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So first of all, fawning.

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So in a previous episode, I spoke about...

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flight, fight and freeze and in the stone age our limbic brain would kick in when there's

any change in our environment and we would experience fights, flights or freeze to keep us

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safe.

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still have those brains in this day and age.

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So fight shows up as resistance, flight shows up as distraction,

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and freeze shows up as avoidance.

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Okay?

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And it's really interesting once we understand what that biological reaction is in our

bodies, actually it's just trying to keep us safe.

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And once we accept the three Fs and we make them our friends, then we can start moving

forward and making changes and understanding when they show up, they're just trying to

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keep us safe and we can talk to them.

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Now, if you haven't seen or listened to that episode, please watch, listen to Accepting

the Three Fs.

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Now, the fourth F,

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is called fawning and I do very much cover fawning in all of the episodes because it's

people pleasing fundamentally it's people pleasing so somebody asked me to include it

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which is why I am talking about fawning today

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So, fawning is when we do everything to make the other person like us so they won't hurt

us.

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if you imagine in nature, it's the perfect place to look if you imagine in nature There's

a fight going on between two animals and then all of a sudden there's one on their backs

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are rendering That's fawning that's saying please don't hurt me.

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So with fawning, it's very much people pleasing.

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it's people pleasing to their nth degree.

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So when we're in our formative years and we're watching what's going on around us, and

we're like sponges, and we're looking at the personalities and the behaviors of all those

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people around us and absorbing it all, and...

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if we feel comfortable to start showing our gifts, perhaps, of sensitivity, and they're

not received, and it's no judgment again, there's absolutely no judgment here, and they're

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not received in the way of acceptance, then that's our indication that that's not

acceptable, and we start...

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trying to please and change ourselves to fit in with what those people, normally our

families, what those people, our parents, what those people deem acceptable.

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So we can go into fawning mode.

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So fawning is a massive people pleasing.

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Now, absolutely, it's wonderful to take care of those we love.

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after we've taken care of ourselves.

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I'm not saying don't help people.

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That's not what I'm saying.

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I'm saying do not help people to your detriment.

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Now being born as empaths, as highly sensitive people, as seers, and I mentioned before,

see creativity and sensitivity all together.

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For me, it's sensitivity.

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It's a beautiful, beautiful gift that you've been given and and whatever your

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sensitivity is that is for you to really really grow and develop and nurture and it is

highly likely my gorgeous that you weren't able to do this

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in your formative years because it wasn't accepted.

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So what then happens is we start adapting the skills that we have of our sensitivity as

empaths, for example.

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We feel everything that's going on around us.

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And we realize that for us to feel okay, everybody else around us needs to feel okay

because we aren't able to decipher what's ours and what somebody else is.

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So we realize that if everybody else is happy, then we're happy.

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And that's the place that the people-pleasing can start.

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So that can be the fawning.

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Now then what can also happen is,

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As we move forward, because this is instilled into us from formative years is be the good

boy, be the good girl, be the good person.

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This is people pleasing to the nth degree.

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then that follows us through our lives and that follows us in relationships, all kinds of

relationships, in business relationships, in intimate relationships, in family

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relationships, because these are the patterns that we learned were accepted when we were

younger.

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So we carry those through.

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we've got the three Fs, we've got the fight, flight and freeze.

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So fawning in a nutshell is people pleasing to the nth degree to our detriment and I call

it servant energy because we can go into such a state that we're helping everybody else

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like a servant draining ourselves exhausting ourselves so they will accept us and they

will give us outside validation that we're aren't they lovely aren't they wonderful

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So then we can feel accepted and we can feel safe.

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And often the fawning response can also be if there has been a situation, let's say you've

been bullied, know, many of us sensitives were bullied and

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Bullying doesn't necessarily happen just in childhood, it can carry through.

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So if you were bullied when you were younger...

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And you went into a situation of fawning, so you would be accepted.

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And you ended up almost being like a servant to your bullies.

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And that can be parents as well as people at school, as well as teachers.

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And again, this is a judgment free zone.

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I'm just saying it how it is.

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And that was seen as a way for you to feel safe because once you were doing what everybody

else wanted you to do, all those bullies wanted you to do, then

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were accepted and you weren't bullied and you weren't hurt and it was used in the sense of

if you don't do this then I will do this to you then that is absolute fawning that is

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absolute servant energy and it can also be really really subtle it could be if you're with

somebody who's passive aggressive for example

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So if you have the vibration of a servant or you have the vibration of the fawn, the

people pleasing,

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then it's very likely, gorgeous, the people who are attracted into your lives, towards

you, are bullies, are people who will take advantage of you.

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And I say this with love, you know, I've been there, I've done that, I bought the t-shirt.

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And once we understand that we have shown up in an energy of fawning, and it may not be

people have been bullying you, it may have been you've shown up in this energy of fawning,

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and so that's what everybody's used to, and everybody's used to you doing everything for

them in that servant energy.

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So that's what they expect, and that's what you deliver.

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regardless of how exhausted and tired you are.

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this is, again, I say this so much with love, this is a judgment free zone and the first

person not to cast any judgment is yourself with yourself.

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I hope these are little mini eureka moments.

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So we recognize the fight, the flight and the freeze.

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as resistance, distraction and avoidance.

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And we recognize the fawning as people pleasing to the nth degree as servant energy, as

exhausting ourselves as we help everybody else and we show up in this savior energy.

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And once we accept and realize that, that's when we can start making those healthy

boundaries.

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So to move on to healthy boundaries, healthy boundaries, the checklist that you can

download and use for free, which is very, very simple, is knowing when to say no as an

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empath.

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And it's really important that those who we've shown up as servant energy,

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who haven't been detrimental in our life in the way of bullying or predators, et cetera,

so forth, that we have compassion with them because they are reacting to how we are

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acting.

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So if we show up in a way of let me do everything for you, that's what they're going to

expect.

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So once we start looking at, okay, where is my energy going that I'm allowing it to go and

I'm giving my energy away.

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And then once we have that, we can start creating that space.

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So with Healthy Boundaries, the checklist is just questions, yes and no questions.

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The first one,

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When somebody asks you, can you help?

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Or have you just got five minutes?

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Or can you just do this for me?

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Because they're used to that.

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These are questions to ask yourself.

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So the first one is, is it an emergency?

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If it's an emergency, then a million percent we are there.

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Okay, so if it's an extreme emergency, of course we're going to be there.

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So that is the first one.

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So that's a yes and you know what you need to do.

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The next question is, so if it is an emergency, no, then we move on to the next one.

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And the next question is, are you the only person who can help in this situation?

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And if the answer is yes, then this is where you begin your healthy boundaries.

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You say to that person, I'm available at this time on this date, and you give yourself a

time limit.

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So you say, I've got 20 minutes here.

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and by doing this, you're creating new healthy habits.

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As you create the new healthy habits, the other person will start accepting them.

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As you accept them, the other person starts accepting them.

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Okay, so that's the first one.

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So if you're the only one can do it, that's that.

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So if the answer to are you the only one can do it is no,

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then the next question is, can the person who's asking actually do this themselves?

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And if the answer is yes, then you encourage them to help themselves.

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And you know, often we jump in before even being asked and actually that person is being

robbed.

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of a beautiful learning experience and experience of growth.

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So if the answer is, can they do it themselves?

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We encourage them to help them do it themselves.

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If the answer is no, they can't do it themselves, Can somebody else help?

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And the answer is yes, then we encourage them to go elsewhere.

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because what can happen, again, judgment free zone, is people can be so used to you being

there as an agony aunt or uncle, agony person, people can be so used to you just dropping

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everything and being on the phone that that's their normal.

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and they don't go anywhere else because they're just used to that.

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So by offering solutions, we're not putting up a wall, we are simply offering solutions

for a better way and as we do this, we create our own space, okay?

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So that's the Healthy Boundary Checklist.

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If you have a little look in the links you'll find the download there.

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Now, so we've gone through what is fawning, we've gone through the healthy boundary

checklist.

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So once you've gone through that healthy boundary checklist and you start creating space,

this is where the work begins, because it can be so easy once we have this space, we don't

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know what to do with it.

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So old patterns can start coming in.

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And remember we've spoken about fight, flight and freeze.

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We've spoken about the, you know, the three F's and we've spoken about fawning.

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So what can happen is as there's change, because there's going to be a huge change,

because you've got this space, because you're not helping everybody to the nth degree,

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because you're creating your space, then fight, flight and freeze can kick in, in terms

of...

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What do I do now?

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So what can start happening is perhaps unhealthy habits that you've had before can start

coming back in.

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So your limbic brain is helping you to feel safe because it's identified that there's

change here and that means danger.

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So we've got this space that is not normal.

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It's a change.

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We're in a danger zone.

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So let's start filling it with things that we already know.

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So before we have this space, it's really important that we start feeling what feels right

for me once I have this space.

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So as we're creating this space, we are ready to fill it with healthy habits.

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we're not in the space where the limbic brain kicks in and tries to fill it with old

unhealthy habits to keep us safe.

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So it's really important as you're creating your healthy boundaries that you start feeling

into what feels healthy for me.

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So...

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What I would invite you to do, and this is your love work, is as you're creating your

healthy boundaries, is have it very, very clear in your mind that as you have this

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beautiful, creative, gorgeous, sensitive space that's yours to work on yourself with, how

are you going to fill that space?

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What actions are you going to take?

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What creative pursuits are you going to be working with?

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Because...

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Again.

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no judgment, it can be so easy just to fill that space because we can get this fight,

flight, freeze.

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I don't know what to do now.

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I've got all this space.

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Okay, I'll just start doing this.

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I'll distract myself.

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I'll avoid doing what feels really right for me.

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I will resist.

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So we can go into like a freeze mode.

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We can go into, avoidance.

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We can go into distraction with flight and we can go into resist.

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with fight.

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So we can go into resist doing any good work on ourselves.

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We can go into distraction doing everything but starting that creative pursuit.

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We can go into freeze feeling like a almost like a paralysis within us.

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You know, for example, writers block.

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We can go into a freeze there where there's nothing coming in and we're just frozen.

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And what we can also do is once we have that space with freeze is we can hide because

freeze is avoidance.

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So we can start, okay, I've got this great space now.

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Now I'm just going to step all the way back and not speak to anybody.

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So it's really, really important to feel what works for me as I create this space.

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Okay, so what I would invite you to do is as you have this space and before you have this

space, take pen to paper.

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and in a really beautiful, create a gorgeous space, space is the opposite word, create a

gorgeous space, you could even be outside under a tree, that's my love, I love that.

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You could be with all your crystals, you could be with candles, whatever feels like a

gorgeous nourishing space for you, I'd really like you to to delve into the feminine space

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with this, the nurturing space.

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So you can have a bath beforehand or a salt shower beforehand, put some gorgeous relaxing

music on.

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lighter candle, incense, whatever works for you, have a gorgeous cup of tea and pen to

paper, what do I really love?

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What do I really, really, really love?

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and just feel what comes in.

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So this is where journaling is wonderful

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I'm giving you a couple of journaling prompts and this is just to get you started.

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And then what you'll find is the more you write, the more that will come out of what you

truly enjoy.

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And it's not what everybody else thinks that you enjoy.

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It's not what you feel you should enjoy.

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This is what do you actually truly enjoy?

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And also doing this.

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You're also identifying where you've shown up in people pleasing and form mode in

situations where you're kind of, I call it fake fun, where you don't realize you're

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pretending to have a nice time.

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And actually you're not massively enjoying yourself.

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You're just showing up to be there so others can enjoy themselves.

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and actually you're not enjoying yourself at all.

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So I would really invite you to look at those aspects as well.

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So when you're writing down, really feeling to what do I really enjoy and it will, you'll

really again with compassion and kindness for yourself and others, it will start to show

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and you may not have even realized it.

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So I'm just going back to fawn.

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you may not have even realised where you've been showing up and pretending to enjoy

pursuits that you actually don't really enjoy.

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As an example,

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I was very much the party girl.

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and I would, alcohol was my thing.

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And you know, I would be the life and soul of the party.

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I make sure everybody was okay, having a good time.

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I'd say, right, we're going here, we're going there, let's have a brilliant time.

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And the more work I did on myself, the more I realized that this was me showing up in

people-pleasing energy so I could fit in.

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And I was doing and acting the way that I thought other people wanted me to act.

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And so this is just my example.

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There's many, many, how we can show up in a way.

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that doesn't really serve us, that serves everybody else.

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So this is why I call it the servant energy, because you're not serving yourself, you're

serving everybody else, okay?

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So I really hope this episode has helped you.

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I just wanted a really gentle introduction into creating your space, because as the

episodes go on, we're going to be going deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper.

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As I said, as I work with my clients, we do go very, very deep.

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What we have to do first though is get to the basics so then we can start going deep.

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And with love and compassion, I call us out.

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You know, I call myself out, I call us all out.

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Because it's really important that as we're going on this, for want of a better word,

journey, as we're exploring and we're going into self discovery,

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that we are really honest with ourselves, really honest with ourselves.

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So my gorgeous, thank you so much for joining me.

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Please share if you feel this will benefit anybody else, please kindly share.

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If you're on YouTube, please subscribe and share.

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If you're listening, please follow, leave reviews.

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And if you would like to have an expansion call with me, if you would like to have some

one-to-one coaching, each week I open up three calls for expansion calls for deeper

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diving, one-to-one work.

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So here's to yourself empowerment gorgeous, here's to your self acceptance, so much love,

until the next time, ho.